Game reviews


Since 1990 I have played games.  I can barely remember as a 3 year old, playing my brothers nintendo when they came to visit. A year later, my parents bought me a sega master system. 2. And I have gamed ever since. For some years now, in my adulthood (27 at time of writing), people have told me to play games that are great. Society as a whole have worshiped some games as the best thing ever. When I go to play them, they have sucked ass. And I sit there, pondering, why? Why has this happened? My only avenue that I can find, is venting. I have done this sometimes, some games I hate so much I write pages about them, they are linked here.  But now I feel I will do it more here because you  must know, the truth, about games.




Fallout 1
PC
Overall rating:  98/100 
Playtime:  Finished at least 6 times. 

Conclusion: A young boy who has not played many games, becomes a man when he finishes this one. A man with 3 kilo balls. Each. 

There is no way to describe the story and feel you have for playing this game for the first time. It helps, if you have never played a game like this before. I know and am saddened that many people will never play this game before the other fallout games, or other games like it. Best progression in a game ever. Best experience. You start not knowing what to expect at all. You find a village in the desert, Oh, people are alive! Barely. You then discover the emptiness of the past in a destroyed vault, just, like, yours. You move to the world and then once you get your feet, the world start to move to you. 

Eventually, you wander the wasteland, an unstoppable killing machine, everything must go the way you want it to, nothing can stop you. But there is nothing there but ruins and mutants. This is how you feel. Games should make you feel. This is perfect.

Points are lost due to bad companion management (early game before such a thing existed) and that fact that it is so damn time consuming to win the game without dog meat dying.


Fallout 2
PC
Overall rating:  90/100 
Playtime:  Finished a few times

Conclusion: Great sequel, but lost that sense of ball growing euphoria of the first. But polishes it off. The series should have ended here.

By the time this came around to me and my group of fallout fanatic friends, we had beaten fallout to death. My first experience with this game was a few of us were sitting around a computer and we cheated the shit out of our character and gave it max stats and skills. This went on for about 20  minutes and was probably the most hilarious experience I  had with the game. 

The best part about fallout 2, is the ability to manage your companions and the fact that the story continues from where you left Fallout 1. Meeting old characters and going to old places was pleasure. 


Fallout 3 (No DLC)
PC
Overall rating:  20/100
Playtime: 10 hours (At time of writing)

Conclusion:  Fallout was raped. I was raped. Most of us were raped and never knew it.

 Full review here:
http://www.anmanindustries.com/wp/?page_id=146 


Mario Kart
Nintendo 64
Overall rating: 95/100
Playtime: hours… so many  hours

Conclusion: A bucket of random fun tits. I will always be happy to come back and play this with friends. Just like tits.

I have played a few of the other variations of Mario Kart, but I have only ever really owned this one and played this one to the end. In all difficulties. To have done such a thing, usually means that I liked the game. And I seriously did. As a non serious racer, it was fantastic.  

I will say that this is also one of the greatest multiplayer games of all time. Not only does it force up to 4 of your friends to meet, socialise, yell at each other, laugh, fight and rage quit with each other, but even if you suck and lose, its still fun once you die, because you become a bomb and that is the BEST THING EVER.

The only downside was that computer players were never balanced. It sucked when all of a sudden the game decided that 2 heavies will be your biggest competition and you were in the lightest kart ever.  Game reset, new computer players.  So lame….


Planescape Torment
PC
Overall rating: 99/100
Playtime: A lot, but not as much as I should

Conclusion: The best story ever told in any game ever. 

Im just going to say, go and read someone elses review. It pretty much holds. This is by far the greated RPG ever made.  A story so unique and perfectly put together. Seriously a must for anyone who doesnt only play sport games. If you only play sport games then you probably couldnt get past the first part of the game because you need to know how to read.

It is not a perfect game to me though, due to having multiple choice characters. I HATE this in games. You miss out on story and quests.  You have 5 character slots, but there are more than 5 potential party members to follow you around. This shits me. The game loses 1 point due to this. 

Red Alert 1 (no exp)
PC
Overall rating: 100/100
Playtime: 1 year. At least. Constantly. Forever (for a year).

Conclusion: The perfection of this game has had scientists kill each other for years over.

My first experience with this game was on a friends brothers PC. At this time I only had a 286 and CD drives were like, super fancy. After watching this game for about 30 minutes and playing it for about 5, I was then whisked away to europe for like, months. During this time I craved this game. I dreamed about it. I made up tank games while I sat in the sun eating seeds and pushing over kittens (actual true story). 

This game, takes tanks, guns, explosions, and tactics and gives you a game. That is it. There are no activated abilities, no research, no 100 shortcut keys for abilities, there is just you and tanks. I played this as my main game all the way through grade 6. All, the way.  It was simple, fun, felt good to play, story was absurdly awesome and while for the young me at the time, hard, and I cheated a little, I still enjoyed the entire experience.  I have since beaten both stories without cheating. 

Anyone who is bored with their RTS or doesnt know where to start, start here.  Or, if you are like me, every 3 years, play it for about 30 hours straight and then put it away again, only to think about that time in 3 years when you will spend the entire weekend playing it again.



Red Alert 1 –  Counterstrike, Aftermath, rules.ini
PC
Overall rating: 96/100
Playtime: A lot. Not as much without the expansions though.

Conclusion: Turn the most perfect game in the world into a sandbox game and you never need to get married, have sex and children, because your life is complete. (Please note that my life was complete at this stage, but only got better with marriage and sex. I imagine it will reset back to the normal complete stage once the kids come.)

When I got these I thought KICK ASS. And it was so. While no real new stories were added, which was disappointing and the secret ant level was impossible, it essentially propelled me into another fit of playing red alert after I had been playing starcraft for a while. It was fun as shit to have more shock units,  nuclear subs and teleporting tanks. Just more of the same perfect stuff.

In addition to this I stumbled upon the rules.ini ability. It lets you edit EVERY unit and the game physics. Suddenly I was building my own unit designs, giving realistic basic defences to ore trucks and… and… attack dogs that have an attack range of the entire map. Watching a dog be trained and the second it walks out of its kennel, bark, jump up into the air and soar far across the map, over mountains, rivers, other enemies, then to land on an unsuspecting infantry unit, then for the process to repeat again… There is no way to describe the sensation you get from witnessing this.


Red Dead Redemption
Xbox 360
Overall rating: 11/100
Playtime: 60 minutes

Conclusion: Every one is shit and owes me $15.

Everyone told me Red Dead Redemption was a good game. We bought it pre owned after it had been out for a while for about $15. Grand theft auto as a western they said. Much hilarity to have been had they said.

I am not a novice to gaming, but this game was unplayable. The controls and maneuvering were abysmal. While I may have gotten used to them after some time, like you have to with many games like this, the story did not hook. The gameplay did not hook. In fact, the entire game was boring. Nothing once made me feel interested in what I was doing. Tied up with poor controls, I died like, 8 times in that first gun fight with all the stuff you need to hide behind.

I sat back in the couch, looked at the other second hand games we bought and went to make myself a drink. I will never have the drive to go back and play this game.


Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Nintendo 64
Overall rating: 95/100
Playtime:  A lot

Conclusion:  One of the greatest games ever. 

This game is one of the greatest games ever.  If you do not play this on a nintendo 64, then you will feel sad. If you play any other Zelda on a newer console, before playing this, you will be sad. If you do not play this game, you should be sad. 

It has story, feelings, drama, action, comedy, puzzles, good music, awesome sense of achievement when you do things and most of all, it has Navi, the best part of the game. If you are like me, and played it young, whenever you  hear a sound even remotely like Navi, you will be filled with emotions that related to the experience of this game.  And hate. 

0.5 points are lost because: water temple.
4.5 points lost because: some of the minigames and their futility.


Zelda: Majoras Mask
Nintendo 64
Overall rating: 94/100
Playtime:  A lot

Conclusion:  One of the greatest atmospheres in a game ever. 

This game is one of the greatest games ever.  If you do not play this on a nintendo 64, then you will feel sad. If you play any other Zelda, except for ocarina of time, on a newer console, before playing this, you will be sad. If you do not play this game, you should be sad. 

While this game is harder and a little bit more confusing than ocarina of time, I found it a better game. It was puzzling, deep and dark. The music, the colours, the constant stress of the end of the world, it is fantastic.  You can feel the desperation in every character. Except that little floating green faggot who I just want to punch so hard.

The 6 points are lost due to the save system. To which, I think is a great mechanic, but it really really is a pain in the arse.

Battlefield 3 – Campaign
Xbox 360
Overall rating: 20/100
Playtime:  Took maybe 10 hours on Hard.

Conclusion:  Typical mass produced garbage.

If I am behind cover, say a pillar and a team mate wants to be there, they would push you out into the open to take your place, thus you die. Enemies can see through smoke, shrubs, tarps and tent covers and loose boxes and you can’t, thus you die. Mission objects change without warning and do not actually tell you what you are supposed to be doing and often because of this, you die. You get stuck on random bits of terrain, thus you die. Many parts of the field that clearly are within the area, are actually not if the screen goes dark and distorted and it gives you 5 seconds to get back to where you were and 50% of the time, I died. Enemies spawn in. Literally caught them spawning within arms reach on screen right in front of me, three times. Died 2 of the times. The whole, press random buttons that we tell you to get through a special melee action cut scene and if you do not do the mini game perfectly you die, I think I died on every one and just got through my memorizing the required buttons and pressing them before it asked for them.

Scripts are poor, first main mission with the sniper in the hotel, I killed him, then when I walked to the corner he fired 2 more times to destroy parts of the terrain. I saw a mounted vehicle drive around without a driver and just the gunner. When you crouch and there is rubbish everywhere, the rubbish seems to hover above the ground about 30cm. Ending was shit and is a good summary of the bad story writing. 

Garbage.